Please note that this entry will contain several irrelevant or just plain stupid random rants about friendship in general, some lessons learned these past few years, etc, etc, etc — yep, pretty much very random. I’m not particularly good at expressing myself through writing (duh, I’m an artist remember /cry) so expect it to be a bit incoherent and well… for a lack of a better term — ‘word vomit’ . Do forgive any grammatical errors, fail sentence constructions, or redundant words as my vocabulary is not as wide & deep as the Pacific ocean. If my last 3 sentences annoyed you, stop reading! You have been warned!
Okay, I don’t really know where to begin so let me just say thanks to everyone who made it this far HAHA Anyway, these past few months I’ve been a bit emotionally down for reasons I’m sure everyone else goes through — friend issues, self esteem, self worth, the future… life in general. Is it just me or am I experiencing quarter life crisis? *le gasp*
One morning I just woke up and realized that out of the numerous amount of friends I have in my life, only a few significant individuals are and hopefully remain truly genuine. Don’t get me wrong though, it took me months to realize this, it’s not an overnight thing. This is probably because I’ve been so in denial about everything, you know? Trying to see the good in everyone… refusing to believe that people close to me are capable of such things? The fact that people so close to you can just wake up one day and decide you’re not important to them anymore and don’t even bother to explain why — it’s terribly frightening! OR that they suddenly have other priorities in life and decide to put your friendship on hiatus or just ignore you completely like you guys never even knew each other. Really, I don’t get it — it’s emotionally confusing. How can other people throw away or change friends like they’re changing outfits? Well apparently, life isn’t a fairytale and happy endings just don’t come that easily. I am so tired of all this ‘reaching out and trying to fix broken bonds’ drama. I realized that NOTHING in this world is one way. You can’t make anything work out without the other party cooperating so better not stress over it. Now that I think about it, I think the reason why I’m so afraid of losing some people in my life is that I felt a strong connection; like I really mattered to them — but a friendship that can end overnight is probably a friendship that never really begun in the first place. It’s really hard when you feel like you have to work your butt off to be good enough to be friends with someone; know what I mean? You can’t live your life constantly trying to please everyone —- it’s either they like you, or they don’t.
Real friends fix things. Real friends disagree and fight over things but still hold hands at the end of the day and mend the broken bond. Real friends can hurt the hell out of you, say everything they feel about you in front of your face then grab a band-aid and place it on then heartache they gave you afterwards. Real friends don’t suddenly ignore your existence without leaving a clue as to what you did wrong — if you did anything wrong at all. Real friends don’t backstab you — they front stab you. Real friends tell you what’s wrong — you don’t hear it from someone else.
A friendship that makes you worry so much about yourself, your relationship and how to keep it, what your ‘friend’ might think about you is not real friendship. A friendship that requires you to make so much effort just to please the other, endlessly try to reach out to the other, try to catch up on what’s happening to the other, constantly trying to keep up with the other is NOT real friendship. It’s more like you trying to be at par with your friend, trying so hard so you can please your ‘friend’, clinging on to that false friendship. See, the thing is if you’re genuinely friends with someone they will NEVER make you feel like you’re inferior to them or give you a reason to doubt yourself or the relationship you have with them. You DO NOT change yourself for someone else — the whole thing will be a lie, a facade of who you truly are. In life, “you don’t really lose friends, you just figure out who your real friends are”.
If your friendship with someone was at one point ‘real’, I believe you’ll find yourselves together again. I don’t know how long it takes but from my experience, the longest was 3 years before a certain someone and I eventually talked again and patched things up — and I’m glad we did. Really stupid that we didn’t fix things earlier when I think about it — a lot of damage has been done but nothing an apology couldn’t fix. The lesson here is try to give it some time, don’t force things when the moment is not right. Best thing to do is be thankful for the happy memories and what you had, sulk over it for a few days but give yourself a deadline, then move on. We can’t really complain about life being sucky cause in reality, we decide on what we want to happen with our lives. It’s our choice who we allow to hurt us. No one can hurt us if we don’t allow them to.
It’s really sad when you lose friends. People change, priorities change, change is constant and we just have to accept that— just suck it up and move on with life. It’s really hard to let go of something you have tried so hard to keep. However, it’s harder to keep holding on to something that just doesn’t exist anymore.
Okay shutting up now.
*spreads good vibes*